The Myth of UKIP

Topical I hear you cry? I’ve been busy ok?

The UKIP showing in the recent elections has been buzzing around the old cynical cranium for for a few weeks now. A decision has been reached. An earthquake it is not.

I may be treading old ground here, but UKIP are a one man, one policy pressure group, not a political party. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was all a contrived plot by the Conservatives to annexe a section of the vote by rebranding an offshoot in a way that will appeal to idiots (idiots that would not consider voting Tory, though). If there is a hung parliament at the next election, it’s unlikely that ‘I agree with Nick’ will be in a position prop to up a piss poor Tory government, as his motley crew of sandal shod mercenaries will surely be scythed down by a disapproving electorate.

And while I’m at it, what’s the deal with shiny faced Cameron’s head? Why does he always look like someone has inflated his obsequious bounce with hot air through a valve concealed beneath his elaborately coiffured hairline? I digress…

The appeal of UKIP? That Nigel Farage, he’s just an ordinary bloke isn’t he? What with his foaming tankard of ale and his ever present Benny Henny pressed to his lips, he’s just like one of us. Well, actually, he’s more like the shiny faced barrage balloon above. I don’t actually buy the line that UKIP are racists. That’s too simplistic a label to hang on their narrow, Savile Row draped shoulders. They are simply a band of disaffected right wing Eurosceptic Tories, the type that view Cameron as ‘a bit of a lefty’.

I don’t even buy the anti gay, lunatic fringe bit either. The truth is that UKIP can’t have an anti gay policy. They don’t have ANY policies. The bizarre things that are attributed to them are as a result of the fact that the majority of their representatives are borderline lunatics with unrepresentative views on everything from same sex marriage to invasion by little green men from Mars (in pursuit of benefits, no doubt?) Their councillors and MEPs are a rag tag collection of loose cannons that even the RSPCA would struggle to rehome.

Earthquake? We’ve heard it all before: David Steel’s infamously crass, “Go back to your constituencies and prepare for government” blunder, how the SDP were going to change the face of British politics, how George Galloway or Robert Kilroy-Bumcrack (copyright Victoria Wood) and their respective parties were going to be a force for change, even David Icke and his space lizard in a shell suit party (I may have embroidered that latter), we’ve heard it all before.

You’ve had your fun Nigel, now get back to the right wing of the Conservative Party where you belong and let’s get back to normality (of sorts) at the next election.

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