Spana Man Cometh!

Devoted followers of Johnny Zero’s increasingly irrelevant World Cup blog may recall that after Spain’s ignominious exit, I marvelled about a mystical gentleman who resembled wizard-era Rick Wakeman and was supporting Chile. It has to be understood that, having indulged in one or two sherbets AND being blind as a bat to begin with, I got it wrong. He wasn’t a Chilio, he was a Brasilio. And his message said, “Adios Spana”, not “Spania”.

Goofball

Spana Man, my hero!

So far from looking like the Prog Rock Pompadour himself, he actually looks more like he’s just walked off the set of a music video for the Bangles or Jonathan Richman (there’s one for the teenagers!) The Spana bit is fortuitous, however, as he looks a proper tool.

WC Blog Day 8, England Expects

The day we were all waiting for, when England would reprise their well received play of the Italy game, but with a three point haul that would see us well on the way to qualification. All this expectation would have to take a back seat for a few hours, however, as the first match of the day got underway.

Columbia were already three points to the good after their opening match against the hapless Greece. Ivory Coast had also taken maximum points from Japan, so the stage was set for at least one team to book their place in the next round. That team was Columbia, with a 2-1 win. Still not a good tournament for the African teams.

And so on to the main event. England’s glorious victory against a Uruguay side that had looked woeful against Costa Rica. Suarez was back, but surely not fit? After a knee operation only a month ago and no competitive action since the end of the PL season, the buck toothed maestro was surely not a serious threat? Come on this is England we’re talking about…

Let’s not beat about the bush, we lost to two Louis Suarez goals. Jagielka at fault for the first, he either plays Suarez offside by holding the line or he stays tight to him and stops the ball reaching Suarez. He does neither, 1-0.

England equalised in the second half through Wayne Rooney, his 40th England goal and 1st in a World Cup Finals. Rooney, in fairness, could have had 4 on a good day, with the rub of the green and a piece of lucky heather in his jockstrap. His free kick early doors went marginally wide with the keeper beaten, his header that hit the angle and the shot that their keeper made a ‘magnificent’ save from. Well, according to the commentator anyway, in reality Rooney fired it straight at him.

At that point we looked set for a useful draw, if not nick a winner. That plan was blown out of the water with a hapless, unintended back pass from Gerrard. If he had been beaten in the air and the Uruguayan vying for the same ball had knocked it on, then Suarez would have been offside. He wasn’t, 2-0. Suarez looked completely unfit throughout the match, but still managed to bag a brace.

That defeat leaves England needing snookers. We need Italy to give Costa Rica a spanking and then beat Uruguay. We need to beat Costa Rica by a useful, but not yet determined, margin. Not beyond the realms of possibility, but is it beyond the realms of probability? This is England!

So to the inquest, who did what?
Joe Hart – not much to do most of the time, alert to some opportunist attempts to drive in at his near post that were missed by the defenders. Still the best option between the sticks.
Glen Johnson – or ‘where’s Johnson?’, as I have christened him after the number of times I have uttered those words. In fairness, he has played a part in England’s goals, but – to my mind – more by luck that judgement.
Leighton Baines – an ok player who has looked pretty good for his club, but in the last couple of England matches has looked very ordinary. I would have taken Cole personally.
Gary Cahill – looked good, should hold on to his place. I would have begged JT to rethink his retirement if it were me, though, to partner him. Whatever you think of Terry as a person, you can’t fault his commitment for his country.
Jagielka – a useful player at Championship/lower PL level, but not an England player for me.
Steve Gerrard – one of England’s few class players, but failed to turn it on this time. Poor.
Jordan Henderson – looked ok in the main, maybe we’ll keep him
Wayne Rooney – unfairly maligned, has looked good to my eyes
Raheem Sterling – looked excellent against Italy, but failed to make the same impact against Uruguay.
Danny Welbeck – never been a huge fan, especially of his pontefract cake hairstyle, but made some good contributions at times. Not world class, though.
Daniel Sturridge – looked good for both Liverpool and England. He can stay.

Going back to Brazil and Spain, remember the advice of how to beat them (they don’t like it up ’em)? That’s what Uruguay did to us, they didn’t give us time and space. Considering that we are pedestrian on the ball compared to either of the two teams mentioned, it was never going to end well. Remember what I said about the Premier League? Highlighted big style against Uruguay, yet their population is only comparable in size with a small village in the Welsh hills. How’s that works then?

Oh yeah, Greece and Japan drew 0-0.

Today’s trivia question comes from happier times, who are the five members of England’s 1966 World Cup winning side whose Christian name ends in the letter ‘n’? There are five, I promise you. Answers in the next blog. In the meantime, Forza Italia!

WC Day 7: Adios Spania

The contestants of the 2010 tournament were having varied fortunes, Holland had opened their account with a 5-1 victory and Spain a defeat with the spookily mirror image score line. Both were in action today.

First up, Holland facing our antipodean cousins from the land of fizzy lager. The Socceroos had been poor in their first match and their loss to Chile meant that a defeat today could see them on the boat home, though on the upside – no shackles this time! It started badly for Australia with a 20th minute goal for Arjenman Robben and his super-shiny head. It was a short deficit, however, as the former darling of Goodison, Tim Cahill equalised a minute later with a stunning volley. That’s the way it stayed until half time, despite The Aussies squandering a good opportunity to take the lead.

The second half saw the form book turned upside down as a converted penalty gave Australia the lead. Despite valiant attempts though, an equaliser from RVP and a winner from Depay saw off the dogged resistance and would send the losers home should the World Champions lose to Chile in the next game.

And lose they did, in spectacular style. With multiple goal attempts that owed more to the Three Stooges than the cup holders, the purveyors of ticky tacky torpitude crashed and burned with ineptitude of magnificent proportions. As a last throw of the dice, the manager threw on Fernando Torres. As the summariser wryly observed, del Bosque obviously hasn’t been a regular visitor to Stamford Bridge this season. My favourite moment of the tournament followed as the camera landed on a Chilean fan in the crowd with a tablet bearing the message ‘Adios Spania’. His maniacal demeanour and dress sense reminiscent of Rick Wakeman during his wizard phase made me laugh heartily.

In the graveyard slot were the woeful Cameroon and the unlucky Croatia. Cameroon charmed the world in 1990 and heralded the arrival of African football being taken seriously. The following World Cup campaign began with them waiting nervously for their Mitre shirts being flown out from Huddersfield with minutes to spare. Their downward spiral began there, surely no coincidence? Croatia, of course, were robbed in their first match when intervention by Sepp Blatter had ensured that the script was followed to the letter. This time they were keen to make amends. Cameroon were the fall guys, receiving a 4-0 kick up the jacksie.

Anyways, back to more trivial matters and the answer to the trivia question left dangling in the ether. WC Boggs was the family run firm in the topical hit comedy, Carry On at Your Convenience, Victorian toilet humour at its zenith…

WC Blog Day 6: Belgium, Brazil, Russia

Devoted followers of this insignificant record of the World Cup 2014 may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the prediction league for a while. After the first few matches, I was about 197th. Refereeing decisions and general corruption in the world game are at fault here. I thought. Once the games pan out, my standing will improve. I thought. I’m about 284th at the moment. Out of how many, you say? I daren’t go to the bottom of the table and find out, just in case it’s 285!

Belgium v Algeria. I believed the hype and had this one down at 3-0 to Belgium. The ITV commentator helpfully informed us that some of the Belgian team would be singing the national anthem in French and some in Dutch. I realise there is a similarity between the two languages, but wouldn’t that be Flemish, you clueless buffoon? I speak Flemish, as it happens. “Dank uwe goed”‘ there you go, “thank you very much” in Flemish. It’s all you need to know, they all speak English!

Anyway, back to the football (if we must) Algeria looked a decent side and were all set to upset the bookies (something I’m never likely to do) when they took a first half lead. They were much the better team in the first half as Belgium looked like they’d left their boots on the bus and were playing with blocks of 4 by 2 sellotaped to their feet. Something changed in the second half, however, and the incompetent doppelgängers were left in the changing room and the real players turned up (pity we don’t know how to pull that one off). Some geezer called Fellaini scored the equaliser, I bet Moyes wished he’d signed this Fellaini rather than the one he got lumbered with! A 2nd goal from some other fella that I’ve never heard of, and can’t be bothered to look up, scored the winner and Belgium’s embarrassment was averted.

Next up on the goggle box were Brazil who were taking on their Latino neighbours, Mexico. Despite the fact that I loathe and detest Brazil and their cynicism, I had them marked down for a 3-0 win (if you can’t beat ’em…). The ref had been nobbled again and FIFA HQ were running the show once more, as several Mexico penalty claims were brushed aside with what looked suspiciously like a small brown envelope. The Mexico keeper was on top form, however, and the resulting 0-0 draw saw the Bralisios trudge from the field at full time to a cacophony of admonishing whistles and jeers (try supporting England you ungrateful muppets!) I was most pleased by the result, just a little disappointed that the Mexicans couldn’t just have nicked the winner that would have had me rolling on the floor in much chortlement.

The last match of the day saw our old friend, and Dennis the Menace lookalike, Fabio Acapello pit his Russian side against the plucky South Koreans. Much as in the first match of the day, the underdogs took a surprise lead, but what happened next beggared belief… The Russians rather bizarrely fenced off the centre circle and declared it a pro-Russian separatist state. With a series of tanks and rocket launchers stationed across the halfway line, the chances of the Koreans snatching a decisive second goal were understandably dramatically reduced. The questions surrounding what seemed like a display of bad sportsmanship that surely contravened the FIFA rule book were, happily cleared up by Sepp Blatter, interviewed en route to his gold plated Mercedes with a wheel barrow full of cash.

The equaliser came from an unexpected source as the Russian ambassador to South Korea ambled unopposed into the South Korean goalmouth, only to produce the match ball from his diplomatic bag. An unorthodox approach, but one that ultimately bore fruit. I had this down as a 2-1 to Korea, so dodgy dealings and bad sportsmanship have assisted, once again, in plummeting me down the prediction league leader board. As you may have gathered, I didn’t bother actually watching the match.

Now then, some of you may have noticed that I have been running a covert competition on the blog. A Mr Sykes of Huddersfield is currently in the lead with this one, as he correctly identified my deliberate and cunning mistake that Switzerland was the only country in the world with a square flag. Mr Sykes correctly saw through my subterfuge and gave the correct answer that Vatican City is the other country with this unusual national standard.

Today’s quiz question was dreamt up as I chortled in adolescent admiration at the similarity of the title ‘WC Blog’ with a double toilet-based pun. So today’s brain teaser is, which Carry On film features the family firm of sanitaryware manufacturers, ‘WC Boggs’? The prize is an all expenses paid trip to see England in the second round in Brazil. The answer in the Day 7 blog, my lowbrow chums…

WC Blog Day 5 -Africa Falters/Muller Uber Alles

Panzers roll, as the German World Cup machine clanks into life! The 4-0 demolition of Portugal sends a message to the world that the ruthlessly efficient Teutonic style is back with a vengeance.

Unfortunately it is accompanied, as always, by cynical attempts to gain advantage by play acting and feigning injury. It could be argued that the sending off of Pepe (I know it’s a poor country, but can no one afford a second name in Brazil?) for smooching with Muller was the turning point of the game, were it not for the fact that Portugal were 2-0 down and looking woeful before the incident. Ronaldo’s face was a picture at the final whistle. If the picture happened to be of a slapped backside, that is.

In the talking point incident, Pepe’s flailing arm caught Muller with the force of an effeminate butterfly brushing the buffers of a speeding freight train. As if butted head on by a rampaging bison, Muller went to ground, seemingly his cheekbone smashed into splintered pieces of fragmented bone. As he lay semi conscious on the ground, the Brazilio-Portuguese sidled up for round two. He brushed the German’s face with a sweet caress that was soothing enough to instantly revive the play acting pseudo-thespian and prompt him to a bolt upright perambulatory stance within a fraction of a millisecond. His protestations were robust and the wild man of Rio was dispatched to the condominium style split level luxury changing suite. Not a good week for Brazilians posing as Europeans…

Much anguished and agonised writhing and rolling has been performed by our Germanic cousins on the football fields of Europe and beyond since Gazza’s undeserved yellow in Italia 90. It doesn’t get any prettier. The diametric opposition in the studio after the game was interesting. Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon were horrified at the manner by which Muller had cheated the world audience. The two continental types, Viera and some Italian bloke (Luigi something, I didn’t catch his name…), were more than happy that the ref had been hoodwinked with deceitful intent, “It’s all part of the game”, they agreed as they celebrated with a Cointreau or two. It wasn’t part of the game until you continental types introduced it as an essential accessory, I muttered into my Cabernet Merlot.

Iran and Nigeria then played out a soporific bore draw. That sentence was more exciting than the whole 90 minutes. It was the longest number of matches in a World Cup before a draw occurred, since 1930. I wonder if Sepp had that as part of an accumulator? Still, it was apparently encouraging enough for William ’14 pints’ Hague to reopen the British Embassy in Teheran.

Ghana, probably the strongest African side, were then disappointed by a late USA winner in the dying seconds. Wasn’t it Sepp that insisted that an African side would win the World Cup? Careful fella, they’ll be wanting a refund…

World Cup Day 4

In the first match of the day, Switzerland – Roy Hodgson’s former charges – we’re up against Ecuador, the team that had snatched a draw against Roy’s England a few days earlier in Miami. After trailing Ecuador, the Swiss snatched a dramatic late winner.

As I didn’t watch the match, I will have to pad this out with a few pointless facts of trivia: Switzerland’s national flag is the only one in the world that is square, the flag of the International Red Cross is a reverse of the Swiss flag, Switzerland is famed for its deposit boxes full of Nazi gold, it was where Steve ‘Cooler King’ McQueen was aiming for when he crashed his motorbike in the Great Escape, it was also the destination for Charlie Croker’s outfit in the Italian Job when they ended up balanced precariously on the edge of a mountain (or ‘hill’, as we would say in Yorkshire). I blame coach driver Big William’s over exuberant driving style, personally.

Honduras were next in the firing line, as France powered past them with a three goal haul without reply. After several frustrating days of using the new fangled goal line technology to simply state the bleedin’ obvious, FIFA were finally in a position to look useful. Unfortunately, they initially failed the competence test and an obvious goal was ruled out. Once the master switch in Zurich was overridden, a goal was correctly signalled.

France were once the model for taking the England national side forward. The late and over budget St George’s Park complex is the FA’s French-inspired copycat national football centre. As soon as we started gazing enviously across the Channel, France started to inconveniently implode and lose miserably at every opportunity. Holland had been similarly hexed several years earlier, as the ‘Ajax system’ was deemed the way forward. Now it is Spain that are seen as the model. They got mullah’d the other day, by the way.

Instead of coveting thy neighbour’s ass, why don’t the FA quietly admit that as long as the colossal Sky windfall is ring fenced for the Greedy League instead of being passed down the pyramid, the Premier League is always going to be the tail wagging the FA dog and the national side will always be hamstrung. B teams? Get real!

Last match of the weekend was our old friends from down Argentine way, against newcomers Bosnia Hercegovina. The Bosnians had a good go at stifling the Argies, but they found a way through to go two goals up, nonetheless. A late goal by Bosnia threatened to inject some interest in the contest, but 2-1 it stayed.

As a trivial aside and yet another recollection from amongst the millions of terabytes of useless crap bouncing around my noggin, did you know that not only is it a disgusting tinned pie made out of dog meat*, but Fray Bentos is also a major port used to export Argentine beef? You do now…

*NB It should be pointed out that Fray Bentos pies are not really made from dog meat, just a type of meat that I don’t care for. Still, I would rather feed it to my dog than my kids, having said that.

Day 3, The Big One!

As a warm up for the big match at the inconveniently scheduled closing time kick off, we had a couple of preview bouts. Columbia and Greece were first out of the traps. I predicted this as a dour 0-0. As is becoming apparent, I am no Paul the Octopus. Greece let me down here by getting a 3-0 spanking. Second up was Uruguay and Costa Rica. It seems that most people had Costa Rica down as no hopers. I had both teams down as no hopers and predicted a 1-1 draw. At least there is no money riding on this, Costa Rica finished 3-1 victors.

So to the one we were all waiting for. I certainly had no fear facing Italy and had us down for a patriotic 2-1 win, though in reality, I felt that a 1-1 draw was more likely. Bugger! My feeling is that England played well and created plenty of openings. Unfortunately, we squandered our multitudinous chances on goal, whereas Italy converted theirs to run out winners. It’s just like watching Huddersfield Town, I murmured, as yet another golden opportunity went begging. This is exactly what Town do; squander a hatful of chances in the first half, before getting punished for it in the second. And so it came to pass.

There were optimistic points to note. Sterling turned the full back inside out time and time again. Later, his glorious through pass to Rooney and his equally precise cross for an effortless finish by Sturridge was sublime. Barkley looked like he could make an impact. Cahill looked good at the back, which was comforting, because defence is where we look weak on paper. Jagielka made a well-read headed clearance off the line as well. Their winning goal ultimately came as a result of poor defending, however. From Welbeck and Baines on the left to Cahill in the middle, everyone was pulled out of shape and a superb, inch perfect (or should it be centimetre perfect?) cross for the marauding Balotelli saw him in space for a deciding header. He was Johnson’s man and I’m not a huge fan of Glen Johnson’s, but in fairness he was pulled out from the right back position to cover for Cahill’s man. These are the things that punish you at this level.

I felt a draw would have been a fair reflection. Disappointing certainly, but there is still a good opportunity to progress. On a slightly irked note, what was the point of Balotelli’s ‘2-1, shhh’ hand gesture to the camera at the end. He just doesn’t know when to keep it to himself, does he? I was glad when he left Man City so we didn’t have to endure his tiresomely trite T shirt messages, yet he continues to nauseate people from thousands of miles away. Uncalled for…

The late, late game was the Ivory Coast versus that great powerhouse of world football, Japan. Not even I could muster the willpower to stay up for this one. Just as well really, as all football commentators’ propensity to preface every reference to an Ivory Coast player with, “The Ivorian…” gets right up my (not insubstantial) hooter. The Ivorian this… the Ivorian that… I am easily annoyed it has to be said. Although, having said that, I had this one down as a 1-0 to the ‘Ivorians’, so at least the 2-1 result meant that I had a win by a single goal to add to the prediction league. I’m not pulling up any trees in the said league, however. Good job I’m not a betting man, I’d be living in a cardboard box on the embankment…

World Cup Blog Day 2

After the let-down of the Brazil match, where the Croats was robbed and the Officials seem to be operating by precision, Swiss remote control, it remained to be seen whether the Mexico v Cameroon game could provide redemption. ‘No’ was the swift reply, delivered like a Pythonesque haddock to the chops. Any chance of a signal jammer of some description to bar the match officials from being controlled from a sumptuous office in Zurich?

Yet again, some bizarre decisions had an adverse effect on the result. My office sweepstake/prediction league is taking a battering. As previously relayed, I had Brazil and Croatia down as a 1-1 draw. That’s what it should have been. I had Mexico down as three goal victors. That’s what they should have been. This is beginning to have a touch of the X Files about it, I don’t mind telling you.

Spain and Holland up next, a repeat of the Final four years ago. Let me cross reference my own advice for beating sides such as Brazil; it is identical for Spain. Press them, don’t let them settle on the ball, don’t give them time and space, don’t sit back and admire them. I am indeed flattered that Dutch Manager, Louis van Gaal is a regular reader of JohnnyZero.com and evidently looks to us for his tactical inspiration. Probably.

This is more like it, a barn storming performance by the Dutch, playing the JohnnyZero.com game plan and winding up five goals to the good! The only downside is that, should England qualify from the group stages, we will perhaps end up facing the Dutch. The monkey on the back for Holland’s trophy ambitions is that Johnny Zero has supported Holland in three World Cup finals. Three nil in deficit, to date; that’s why I stopped following Huddersfield Town away from home – Jonah Zero, more like…

The amusing sideshow to the match was the constant haranguing by the partisan crowd, of the geezer that decided he was Spanish, not Brazilian. An easy mistake to make, but the thronged masses were having none of it. He was eventually subbed and diagnosed with acute perforated patriotitis. Don’t think he’ll be making a tickertape return anytime soon.

The last match of the evening, Chile v Australia, proved that the Diggers are not supreme in every sport they turn their hands to (laughs up sleeve and regains some high ground after the embarrassing whitewash of the Ashes). The cricket proved (as if proof were necessary) that the Aussies are not only bad losers, but bad winners to boot. Unfortunately for them, there was no chance to exercise the latter form of poor grace. Devoid of the likes of Kewell, Viduka, Schwarzer and any of the crop of players that suggested some future competence with the association code, the Socceroos’ sole weapon was the geriatric Tim Cahill. The boy done ok though.

Ah well…I had the antipodeans down for a 2 goal loss, so at least some prediction points on the board. It also provided answers to some pointless trivia, as the pitch side advertising boards for the intriguing ‘Marfrig – Qualitate del Carne’, were helpfully translated for English speaking nations to ‘Moy Park – Quality Meat’. Double bubble…

The Electric Car Bubble?

There’s a great saying, that the technology to make the electric car a mainstream success is just around the corner and it always will be.

A recent Morgan Stanley report has suggested that EVs, with the exception of Tesla, have pretty much failed. Predictions by the likes of Renault that EVs would be 10% of the market by 2020 are looking a little hysterical now. The reality is likely to be in the region of a solitary one percent. It suggests that conventional engines will take up the slack while fuel cells are readied as a realistic alternative.

I have to confess that I’m puzzled by the incursion of PEVs HEVs and PHEVs into an ICE dominated world (acronym buster – Plug In Electric, Hybrid Electric, Plug In Hybrid Electric Vehicles and Internal Combustion Engines).

The internal combustion engine has been king of the road for a long time for a good reason. The calorific value that you will find in a gallon of petrol can only be dreamed of by the lentil eating, sandal surfing doomsayers of the ecological apocalypse ( a little mealy mouthed in my insult quota there, I actually quite like lentils). The fact is, when you can pack the kind of storage into a battery that can output similar power, range and weight, then there is a case for the electric car. Just around the corner, remember?

I cast my mind back to the general election contested by Gordon Brown. Now don’t get me wrong, I like Gordon. Great Chancellor, but not really customer facing enough for modern politics. I digress, he pitched up somewhere for a photo opportunity extolling the virtue of electric cars and their zero emissions. Stick the handbrake on there Gord, you’ve fallen into the fatal trap of a complete lack of understanding of the subject matter. It’s only zero emissions at the tailpipe (even then, that’s only true of non hybrid, purely battery driven vehicles). Where is the electricity powering this vehicle actually coming from? More than likely from a power station generating electricity from coal or gas. Yes fossil fuels. So once you have converted that into leccy, transported it down a notoriously inefficient overhead power grid, plugged it into you car batteries and suffered even greater efficiency losses, what are you left with? 30 miles worth of joyless milk floatery meanderings. Is that really the answer?

The truth is that the battery electric vehicle is a bit of a technological dead end. By the time the technology has matured sufficiently to be of any use whatsoever and saleable at a price that doesn’t rely on heavy government subsidies to make the emission free dream a reality, we will have developed an ICE fuel that ticks all the boxes. Yes, I am talking about hydrogen. It is not without its drawbacks, I’ll give you that (I’ll give you that, sunshine – Eric Morecambe). But it has an emission free tailpipe (bar a little water) and a calorific density similar to, if not greater than, petrol (gasoline for our new world chums). Oh yes, the ICE engine will be with us a tad longer yet.

Clearly, major motor manufacturers believe this also. Ford, with their unprecedented double International Engine of the Year winning three cylinder, one litre Ecoboost motor are pushing the envelope of the ICE. Ford claim potential MPG figures in the 70s. Whilst this may be a little fanciful, the figures are certainly impressive. This is possible by a combination of small swept volume, direct injection, variable valve timing and light pressure turbocharging. I don’t expect we’ve seen all the tricks in the box yet either.

So that’s the case for ICEs versus EVs. And going back to Morgan Stanley, aren’t they bean counters? What do they know? The ability to generate your own power on board is a strong concept to try and unseat, though it could be said that a fuel cell partly fulfils this function. I’m sorry but I also have some reservations about Tesla. Remember the dot com bubble? That’s Tesla, that is…

The Myth of UKIP

Topical I hear you cry? I’ve been busy ok?

The UKIP showing in the recent elections has been buzzing around the old cynical cranium for for a few weeks now. A decision has been reached. An earthquake it is not.

I may be treading old ground here, but UKIP are a one man, one policy pressure group, not a political party. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was all a contrived plot by the Conservatives to annexe a section of the vote by rebranding an offshoot in a way that will appeal to idiots (idiots that would not consider voting Tory, though). If there is a hung parliament at the next election, it’s unlikely that ‘I agree with Nick’ will be in a position prop to up a piss poor Tory government, as his motley crew of sandal shod mercenaries will surely be scythed down by a disapproving electorate.

And while I’m at it, what’s the deal with shiny faced Cameron’s head? Why does he always look like someone has inflated his obsequious bounce with hot air through a valve concealed beneath his elaborately coiffured hairline? I digress…

The appeal of UKIP? That Nigel Farage, he’s just an ordinary bloke isn’t he? What with his foaming tankard of ale and his ever present Benny Henny pressed to his lips, he’s just like one of us. Well, actually, he’s more like the shiny faced barrage balloon above. I don’t actually buy the line that UKIP are racists. That’s too simplistic a label to hang on their narrow, Savile Row draped shoulders. They are simply a band of disaffected right wing Eurosceptic Tories, the type that view Cameron as ‘a bit of a lefty’.

I don’t even buy the anti gay, lunatic fringe bit either. The truth is that UKIP can’t have an anti gay policy. They don’t have ANY policies. The bizarre things that are attributed to them are as a result of the fact that the majority of their representatives are borderline lunatics with unrepresentative views on everything from same sex marriage to invasion by little green men from Mars (in pursuit of benefits, no doubt?) Their councillors and MEPs are a rag tag collection of loose cannons that even the RSPCA would struggle to rehome.

Earthquake? We’ve heard it all before: David Steel’s infamously crass, “Go back to your constituencies and prepare for government” blunder, how the SDP were going to change the face of British politics, how George Galloway or Robert Kilroy-Bumcrack (copyright Victoria Wood) and their respective parties were going to be a force for change, even David Icke and his space lizard in a shell suit party (I may have embroidered that latter), we’ve heard it all before.

You’ve had your fun Nigel, now get back to the right wing of the Conservative Party where you belong and let’s get back to normality (of sorts) at the next election.